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Saturday, October 1, 2011

Disney is a Big, Fat Liar to all Little Girls and It's Not Fair

Seriously. The Disney Princess movies should come with a disclaimer at the beginning. Warning: Your life will be nothing like this movie when you grow up. I wish it did, but the sad truth of it is: life turns out more like Bridget Jones' Diary. I'm sure you grew up watching Disney movies. Even if you're a boy, you probably watched them when you were younger, especially if you had sisters. I'll admit it, I love Disney movies. But they're full of LIES. There is never a prince with shiny hair waiting to rescue you on his stallion. (Wouldn't it be awesome if there was, though?) If life was like a Disney movie, a handsome man would show up, love me for my brains as well as my looks, and then we'd share true love's kiss and everything would be perfect. I'd be suddenly healthy, we'd move into his castle, and the people would embrace me as their princess. I would be a good and fair ruler.

But that fairy tale, it's such a lie. Such a let down. Especially when you've hit 32 and you realize that you are turning into Bridget Jones. You know where she has that epiphany and realizes that she has to change something or else she's going to live a life where her major relationship is with a bottle of wine and she'll finally die, fat and alone, and be found three weeks later, half-eaten by wild dogs? Or else she was about to turn into Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction? The epiphany she has in her 32nd year? Yep, I'm in my 32nd year and I'm having the epiphany that I don't want to die fat and alone only to be found three weeks later, half-eaten by wild dogs. I'm not fat at the moment, but I am alone. That could lead to the eating of LOTS of chocolate, which could lead to me dying fat and alone and being eaten by wild dogs. Sigh.

Out of all the Princesses, I'm the most like Belle. I love to read. I yearn for something more than this provincial life. Behind my fair facade, I'm afraid I'm rather odd. I have a dreamy far-off look and my nose is always stuck in a book. I am also intelligent, witty, nice, cute, I can quote movies, I'm fun to be around, and gosh darn it, people like me. Yes, I'm an uber-nerd, but so are a lot of guys. So why the hell am I still single? Oh yes, it's because apparently Prince Charming no longer rescues you off your couch. A real Prince would. I don't do clubs. I don't drink except for once in a blue moon, so bars are really out. Plus, the guys in the bar that hit on me are NOT the ones I want. Cheesy pick-up lines are not cool. Just say hello. The guy I'd want, wouldn't hit on me. And I wouldn't talk to him unless I was plastered off my ass. That would not be a pretty sight and I can guarantee you, he would not think, "Finally, I've found the one!". Nope, he'd be doing his best to escape.
My mental picture of myself when I'm having a good day:
My mental picture of myself the rest of the time:

I want my Prince to have a brain as well as good looks. Looks will fade, he needs to be intelligent and interesting so we never get bored with each other. (By the way, the Prince in Beauty and the Beast was the least attractive of all the Princes in my opinion. Eric from The Little Mermaid was way cuter. Just sayin'.) He should be funny, my jokes shouldn't go over his head. He needs to have a kind heart. Be someone who likes me, "just as I am". I have more to add to that list, things that are lot to ask of someone, but that's what I need to start off. To keep going, it would help it he loved The Beatles, Battlestar Galactica (okay, anything sci-fi), loved to read, the list goes on and on. I know I have high expectations, but I believe everyone should. I'm not going to lower them just to be with someone. Then I'd just be with someone but be unhappy because I wasn't in love.

So, where can I meet this dream man? There must be someplace, right? In my school the options are men 15-20 years older or 10 years younger than I am. Not promising. Where do I like to hang out? A library. A bookstore. Maybe go to a park and read. I work out at home or at the gym at my apartment complex. You must also keep in mind that I am poor. That cuts off a lot of options.  But anyways, even when I do those things, I still lack the courage to talk to guys. Am I giving off some kind of funky "stay-away-from-me" vibe? I have tried online dating before and I could do it again, but I really don't want to. I hate making a profile where I can't tell the whole truth about who I am. Plus, I feel like it should happen more organically. For all that I believe Disney lied, I still believe in true love and I believe it's out there some where. I think I just bump into him one day. Maybe at Trader Joe's. Maybe he'll hit on me at Barnes & Noble. Hear that Fairy Godmother? Now, get to work! Stop slacking!

I must work out this problem fairly soon. I do not want to spend New Year's Eve singing "All By Myself" a la Bridget. I would love to hear any suggestions. What do you think I should do about this? Where should I be hanging out? Where are all the single, good men in the world? What does a guy want a girl to say that would make him want to get to know her? Should I try online dating again? Even though it has led to some awful boyfriends in the past? Should I volunteer somewhere? What hobbies do men do that I could do too? What things in general do guys do on the weekend? Help me for the love of God!  ; )

In the meantime, to my version of Mark Darcy. The man with personality of Paul Rudd and the good looks of Michael Fassbender, but he's not aware of how good looking he is, so he's not a jerk and still a geek. Fix your damn internal GPS. You're running really late. And I don't want to spend my 33rd year alone.


  1. It's funny, how different our perspectives on relationships are... You feel out of place being single, aging (gracefully, may I add), and struggling to find your place in this world. In your writing I can feel you putting pressure on yourself to change into... whatever. I'm married, aging, worried more about my oldest hitting the dating scene, and also feeling a bit out of place in the world.

    You see, very few of my friends are married. Of the ones that are married - they were hitched only recently. Of seven siblings I am the only one. Only four of us seven siblings are in serious relationships.

    Now, as a friend and male - you DO know that women hold all the cards. You can walk into any place - a restaurant, bar, wedding reception, library, video store, workplace, amusement park, movie theater, bowling alley, golf range... you get the picture - walk in to any place, point to a guy and he's yours. It's really that simple. If guys had that power, well, let's just say that it's a good thing guys don't have that power.

    So, since you've gone off on the cartoon tangent, and you seem to be seeking the answers to the prince charming thing, I'll finish with what the secret ingredient is in this married guy's relationship. The secret is there is no secret ingredient (Kung Fu Panda).

    Oh, and life surely ain't a cartoon, a movie, or a magazine ad.

    You put yourself out there, have some fun, and it'll just happen when you're not looking. It just happens.

  2. Thank you Steve. Especially for the aging gracefully comment! I totally get where you're coming from and I am aware that as the female, all I have to do is crook my little finger at a man and he's mine. But, you know me, how likely am I to do that? Hell will likely freeze over first. A smile? Eye contact? I can do that. Maybe... ;)
    I just needed those ideas(and more!) about where the men are. Places to meet them where it can lead to a conversation.
    And I know life is not a fairy tale. So far from it. I wrote this as a warning that people should not let their little girls believe the hype that there is an easy way to love. We grow up with false beliefs. The path to love is a twisted road with lots of mistakes along the way.

  3. Hey Ali -
    Thanks for inviting me to your blog. Very nice. And very courageous of you to expose yourself to the "world". Your blog was very interesting and I found myself thinking through the whole thing "What's wrong with being alone?" Now you know my history w/relationships sucks big time and that I've been single almost all my life. But it was a choice I made. Since we're family and I spent 90% of my life with my nose in a book too--just like most of us women in the fam have--I'm wondering what kind of books you're reading? Romances? Because I found they reinforced my fantasy that Prince Charming was waiting around the corner. I just had to find the right corner. It's never going to happen. We come from a dysfunctional family and have never learned how to have a healthy relationship. In all honesty, not one of your Aunts and Uncles have had a relationship that lasted, and now the second generation of the family is struggling with the same relationship issues. You can't change things unless you learn something new. And one of the best ways to do that is through therapy, either one-on-one or group therapy. It's pretty amazing what happens when you're working with a group of people who are all on a path of self-discovery. That's what I would recommend for you. Forget finding a boyfriend for now. You said yourself that you've had a bunch of losers. Find out about yourself and maybe you can figure out why it's so difficult to find someone who understands you and supports you, and values every aspect of you and your kind heart. One of the things I know for sure is that anyone in our family can walk into a room with a thousand strangers, or get on the internet with millions of strangers, and STILL we will find the one person who is wrong for us--an alcoholic, an abuser, a drug addict--you know, all those wholesome types. And you know why that will happen?? You do, actually. You said in your blog that even if you found someone who meets all your criteria you wouldn't be able to talk to that person. And the reality is that you wouldn't know how to accept a man who could provide you love and support because it would make you uncomfortable, most likely because you don't think you're worth someone like that, so you'll sabotage the relationship just to be sure he get how wrong you are for him.

    Sheesh! Don't ask me whare all that came from, but I recognize a kindred soul. I'll keep up with your blog and look forward to more of your writing. I know one of us had it in us. Good for you.

    Love, Aunt Chrissy (sometimes old also means experienced)